Karen Kelloway

We Can Do Something. Start By Thinking Small.

There is a lot of sadness and tragedy lately in the news. There’s always sadness and tragedy if you look for it, but lately it’s felt much too close. As a mother, I find it particularly difficult to process these kinds of events when children are involved. And I notice that as others try to process ‘what they can do’, their thoughts get caught up in the bigness of the issue. They get stuck in this kind of paralyzed pattern of thoughts that go something like ‘I don’t’ know how to help. What difference could I make? I don’t know where to begin.’

I’d like to propose that we get our thoughts focused on the fact that we can do something. That it’s the small gestures of kindness and generosity we are all capable of that create the kinds of communities we want our kids to grow up in. We are all individuals living in communities. Every individual act of kindness creates more good feelings and acts of kindness. Small gestures count.

About three years ago I heard about a mother who was transitioning from a women’s shelter to an apartment with her four children (two of which were newborn twins). I heard of this mother’s story quite by accident. I was selling some used baby toys on Kijiji. This women’s friend e-mailed in response to an infant bouncy chair I was selling. She wondered if I would drop it off because she didn’t have a car. Dropping it off wasn’t convenient. There were ten other e-mail responses from people who could pick it up. But I decided to go with my instinct and personally deliver the chair.

When I arrived at the apartment building, I was really taken aback. It was only twenty minutes from my own home but it might as well have been in a different country. It was really run down. Trying to hide my dismay, I asked the friend who met me at the entrance if I could bring back some extra toys and items that my children no longer used. Her response was elation. And then her next words kind of hit me in the heart. She said the children hadn’t played with toys since they moved from the shelter they had been staying at just a couple of weeks before. She said when the mother fled her home, they left everything behind.

As I shared this story with other moms I knew, my dining room quickly filled with donations of diapers, hand-me-downs, blankets, and clothes for the family. It was close to Christmas and my children’s daycare bought a large bag full of new toys for each of the four children which I dropped off Christmas Eve. My sister’s employer donated nearly $300 in grocery store gift cards, It was truly an overwhelming experience of how sharing a story of hardship channels so much good. I’m happy to say that just a year later the woman found a job in a different part of the province. And her employer allows the kids free childcare so she can have them close by. To me, this is an example of what happens when people come forward with small acts of kindness ─ it adds up to a community response.

Doug Melville, Chair of Breakfast for Learning, NS Chapter.

I recently joined an organization, 100 Women Who Care Halifax, who has this theory figured out. 100 Women Who Care Halifax was founded by Jennifer Salib Huber and Colette Robicheau with the goal of supporting local charities through 100 local women. The group comes together four times a year, votes on a shortlist of three randomly drawn charities, each member writes a cheque for $100 and hands the winning charity $10,000 at the end of the evening. And we did it! We had our first meeting in March 2013 and selected Bryony House as the recipient of the first donation. The other two finalists were The Brunswick Street Mission and Breakfast for Learning.

Giving money to these types of organizations so they can use the money where it’s most needed is one a way to build stronger communities. But the opportunities are everywhere. Charities like Bryony House now use social media to post requests for items they need. Schools always need help, even if it’s just spending an hour at lunch time. Stopping to talk to an elderly neighbor for a few minutes could just make their day.

We don’t have to get caught up in the bigness of things. Start by thinking small. You may be surprised at what one small act of kindness can achieve

100 Women Who Care Halifax contributed over $10,000 to Bryony House

Are You Hearing the Signs?

I get beeped at a lot. Usually when I’m attempting to make a left turn. The kind where there’s no arrow and I’m hoping a car doesn’t fly out of nowhere and sideswipe me as I brave the open space.  So I tend to be cautious and wait a couple of extra seconds. Other cars don’t like this.

On one recent occasion where a driver expressed his dismay, it got kind of awkward.  He followed me through the turn and then ended up pulling into the same parking lot. Turns out he was going to the same recreation facility. I was taking my daughter to dance class. And he had his daughter with him. Now, my husband warns me constantly not to confront people who beep at me. But this time the situation just kind of presented itself. As we walked nearly in unison to the front door I couldn’t help it.

“Did you beep at me?” I asked. (it didn’t come out all cool like that. I was miffed but pretend -smiling).

“Yes, I did,” he replied bravely.  “You should have made the turn.”

“I was being cautious,” I said.

“You missed your window. “

“I prefer to focus on safety,” I replied. “Especially when my daughter is with me.”  I threw in the last part thinking he would apologize. Instead, he took the opportunity to point out that clearly I shouldn’t be driving if I’m nervous in traffic and blah, blah, blah … (I covered my daughter’s ears).  Turns out my husband is right on this one. Never confront someone who is beeping at you. It’s a clue they’ve got a bit of built up road rage ready to boil over.

So, here’s the sad truth ─ and this is not one I’ve easily shared in the past. Twenty-five years ago this month, I was in a very bad car accident. Our high school girl’s basketball team was driving back from an away game.  The snow snuck up on us and the roads had quickly become treacherous. The car I was in slid sideways into an oncoming truck. It hit us on the right hand-side, the side where I was sitting. My two friends in the back beside me had injuries but were alive.  I had a broken leg and concussion (which I’m grateful for because it made me forget everything). But tragically and horribly, our dear friend Belle, as well as her Dad, who were in the front died instantly.

So now that my story is in black and white it seems pretty obvious why I hesitate when turning left. The crazy thing is that it was only in the past couple of months as I was relaying to my husband of yet another example of a rude driver beeping at me, that something in my brain clicked. That this fear of being side swiped actually has an origin. That the ‘beepers’ were only pointing out something I wasn’t yet ready to see.

We are shaped by our successes and we are shaped by our sorrows. It’s easier to focus on our successes, but there are lessons in both.  Sometimes we get the same feedback at work over and over, but we still blame those who are delivering the message. Other times we’re the ones making the judgements and perhaps could use a bit more compassion. Either way, there’s never a better time then now to start to bring more awareness to how life can move more smoothly for you.

Pay attention to what you’re complaining about. You might be missing a sign.

In the meantime, if you see me at left turn, stop beeping at me ─ I’m working on it!

More than you can chew?

For pdf click here MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW
Progress Magazine’s “Best Places to Work Issue” August 2011
By Karen Kelloway

I highly suspect that Lu is suffering from career burnout, but he isn’t your typical employee. Still, twice a day Lu performs at Homosassa Springs Wildlife State Park. Earlier this year under the hot Florida sun, my son and I joined the audience that watched him emerge from his shaded spot among the water lilies to take his position in front of a trainer for his noontime feeding.

“Lu used to be a movie star,” the trainer said through the microphone hooked around her ear. She threw a quartered cantaloupe in the air as Lu made a colossal effort to catch it in his large mouth. “But Lu didn’t follow directions well. He was considered stubborn, so he retired early from the movies and has lived here ever since.”

The trainer continued to shell out quartered and halved melons from her bucket as she waited patiently for Lu to open wide. “Lu of course doesn’t need us to cut up his fruit like this,” she added. “He can easily eat a watermelon whole. We just cut them up to make the show more entertaining.” At that point I swear I saw Lu roll his eyes.

Why am I using a 6,000 pound hippo to illustrate my point? Because it does show what happens when a “star” employee gets caught up in the trap of being coaxed into taking on more and more work just because they’re good at it. Then weeks or even days later, they’ve moved from feeling energized to drained.

When I was researching my book, Nail It! Six Steps to Transform Your Career, I came across this quote by Peter Drucker that seemed to address this career conundrum: “A person’s strengths and the way that person performs rarely conflict; the two are complementary. But there is sometimes a conflict between a person’s values and his or her strengths. What one does well—even very well and successfully—may not fit with one’s value system.”

Think about that: just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean it aligns with what you value. I find this a fascinating and relevant take on career burnout. You can see how we get into a hamster wheel of relentless forward motion and yet don’t feel satisfied with the output. We owe it to ourselves to get aligned.

Recently, I was delighted to hear Chris Power, the CEO of Capital Health, talk about this topic at the Human Resource Association of Nova Scotia’s 2011 conference. Power referenced the leadership program her organization has undertaken and the impact it’s having on integrating employees’ passions into their daily roles and responsibilities.

One example I particularly liked was of a mailroom clerk who loves to paint. Power spoke to the employee about how she could integrate painting into her daily responsibilities. When the employee realized that painting didn’t fit into her mailroom duties, she started spending some of her lunch breaks painting with veterans in a long-term care facility. This volunteer activity heightened her enthusiasm for her regular work, and she showed up more motivated. Power is a CEO who gets the importance of aligning employee’s personal values with the organization.

What do you value? What’s most important to you? Are your values being honored and respected at work? This isn’t always easy to decipher. One of my clients, a busy executive with a young family, was having a hard time articulating how her core value of “family” could be present in her career. The feeling that she was choosing work over family frustrated her; it was beginning to diminish her career enjoyment.

While working through this issue, she realized that she had to be more specific in letting others know how to support her. When she was on deadline and feeling productive at work, she needed her family’s support so she could work the extra time to meet the deadline. On the flip side, she had to take control of her schedule so if she wanted to take her son to the library on a Friday afternoon, she had her colleagues’ support. She named what she needed so she could make value-based decisions.

We all have the responsibility to check in and see if we’re living our values. Some call it a gut feeling; others call it intuition. If it’s not happening, it keeps you up at night. It creates tension in your stomach when you’ve agreed to something you wish you hadn’t. It’s when you experience something at work that doesn’t align with your values. It’s your “internal alignment detector.” We’re much more content in our career if we pay attention to it.  It’s something to think about the next time you feel yourself biting off more than you want to chew.

Questions for Reflection

1. What strengths do you attribute to your greatest success?
2. What strengths are being most used in your career now?
3. What ones are lieing dormant?
4. What are your energy drains at work? Why?
5. Why do you do what you do?
6. Reflecting on the above questions, where do you want to focus your energy over the coming month? What stays; what goes to the slug pile; what’s delegated to allow someone else to grow?

March is Nutrition Month

photo: Author Karen Kelloway with her children, Tristan and Gabrielle